She said what?! That whore!

Things that scare me (not in any particular order either):

-Spiders (ok well that is always #1 on my list at all times. scary little bastards.)

-Heights (but not roller coasters, weird)

-Lima Beans (there is nothing good about them)

-Needles (which blows because I love tattoos, B12 shots and I have to test my blood sugar 2x a day)

-Heidi Montag (post-plastic surgery .... seriously, W.T.F.?)

-The "dong dong" thingy on Law & Order (makes me jump, and I dislike moving unless I have to)


-Tornado's, which includes but is not limited to watches & warnings. Never seen an actual twister .... yet. And now that I've posted this, one is going to suck me up and kill me tomorrow. I have no one to blame but myself.

-Being shocked (yes, static electricity frightens the shit out of me. I hardly wear sweaters because of this nonsense)

-Fire (seriously....that shit is HOT)

-Fat (not fat people. me being fat (again). been there, done that, got the stretch marks & size 16 pants as a souvenir)

-Ghosts (you will never meet another person in your life who is completely fascinated with ghosts but will shit her pants and die if she ever sees one)

-Ex-Boyfriends (nuff said)

-Grates and sewer plates (I'm terrified of them caving in on me if I walk across them. Or a giant fucking mutant turtle or rat popping out offering me pizza. I'd take the pizza, don't get me wrong, but I'd run like hell afterwards)

-The ETrade baby (that's just fucking scary! not cute. not funny.)

-Rachael Ray (with that big Joker lookin smile on her face 24/7 ... bitch is scary)

-Bruce Jenners Face (seriously?? how do you go from this to that?)






Things that gross me out (once again, no particular order)

-Hairy chests (on men or women, its just nasty. I immediately think of Tom Cruises character in Tropic Thunder and OMFG that was just wrong on so many levels)

-Mini skirts (I don't care how hot your body is, it grosses me out that only 1 inch of fabric and you standing upright keeps me from seeing your beef curtains flapping in the wind)

-Oily skin (omg I almost puked typing that ... you know they make oil absorbing sheets for that shit right? there is no valid excuse to walk around like you just dipped your face in a vat of fries at McDonald's.)

-Scott Disick (nuff said ... barf)

-Love Bugs ( if you're from FL you know what I'm talking about. Those fucking little black bugs that fly around attached at the ass while sexin' in mid-flight. They land on you and have sex! ZOMFG bugs are having sex on my arm!) *barf*

-Urinal Cakes (just the name makes me want to vomit)

-Paper Cuts (omg just the thought makes me want to cringe)

-Spaghetti O's (they smell like vomit...whats up with that?)




Things that piss me off ... aka "pet peeves" (you know the drill)

-People who don't use turn signals to a) turn or b) change lanes (its there for a reason douche bag!)

-Pregnant women who smoke (seriously bitch? seriously?!)

-Idiots who get their own reality shows on E! (i can't even comment on this stupidity)

-Chain letters (if I don't forward it to 10 people in 2 minutes I think I'll take my chances at getting raped by a ghost at midnight, thank you)

-Hoochie Mama's (oh that's right, I'm bringing it back! HOOOOOOCHIEEEEEES!)

-Teenage girls (I want to kick you all in the fucking throat. you walk around the mall wearing clothes even a hooker would be embarrassed to be seen in and talk shit about the random people you see. you think the world owes you everything and your main goal in life is for a guy to think your hot. well guess what chica? he only thinks your hot when you go down on him and when your done he's on to the next one. save your knee's and jaw some wear and tear and put on some clothes please!)

-Parents of said teenage girls (you really let your kid go out in public looking like that? and then want to get pissed when the 40yr old greasy man who works in the food court ogles at her with a hard on?)

-Old women who don't wear bras (perhaps this should go under the "things that gross me out" category?)

-Walmart Rednecks (if you went to high school with me, you know what I'm talking about. I can't go any further into this without giggling hysterically and then becoming angry)

-Bullies (if you were over 18 I'd kick your ass you little shits! 7yr olds who think its funny to belittle other kids and make fun of them is not cool in my book. i want to bitch slap your parents)

-People who wear leggings (and I say "people" because I've seen men wear them. Yes I said men. Its just wrong on so many levels and I want to kick you when I see you wearing them. They are not attractive on ANYONE)

-Abercrombie & Fitch (fuuuuuuck this store and everything it represents. i wouldn't wear a free piece of clothing from that place even if I was paid to! evil, disgusting & rude employee's and extremely ugly overpriced clothes on top of it. and it always smells like someone broke 5 bottles of expired cologne when i walk past the entrance in the mall. whats up with that?!)

-Parents who get all pissy when your kid touches their kid stuff but its ok for their kid(s) to have free reign on your kids stuff. (nuff said)

-Competitive moms (OMG who gives a flying fuck if your kid walked 2 days before mine did? your poor kid is still ugly and picks his nose!)



Things that make me laugh (yep)


-Fart & poop jokes (yep, I have the sense of humor of a 8yr old boy)

-LOL Cats (seriously .... http://www.icanhascheezburger.com/)

-Chelsey Handler (I want her to adopt me)

-Step Brothers, Anchorman, Old School & Elf (I heart Will Ferrel)

-My husband when he finds a song he likes (he will repeat the dumbest parts of the song, over and over for weeks. The latest one ... "I got her, grocery bag". KILL.ME.NOW.)

-My friend Taressa (she and I share a warped sense of humor and I know for sure we are sharing a rock in hell together)

-Men in their 40's who act like they are in their 20's (there is a dad at my church, who's either 40 or knocking on the door, he wears a motorcycle jacket, leather boots, tight jeans and a mohawk .... I kid you not, you can't make this shit up. He looks ridonkulous!)

-Dane Cook (the man stole my heart when someone shit on the coats)

Lurve

It's Valentines Day. *barf*

Or as I like to call it Commercialism Day.

I got the kids each 1 little box of chocolates from Walmart for $1. They LOVE it.
Good for them.

I don't celebrate it.
I think its a dumb day.
I think its a very forced holiday.

I don't feel the need to spend oodles of money on my husband because Hallmark told me to.

I show my love daily and hey, that's what anniversaries are for!

So yeah .... screw Valentines Day and all the puppets that cave into the marketing scam.


On a side note ......

I was on Facebook (what else is new?)
On the right I saw an ad for that show 19 Kids And Counting.
That show on TLC about that chick with the clown car vagina .... the Duggars.

I clicked the little "x" by the ad to remove it.
When FB asked me why I wanted it gone I clicked "it's offensive".

Happy Commercialism Day peeps!

Quit playin' games with my heart

I have an unnatural love for boy bands.
NSync, BSB, NKOTB, 98 Degree's, Boyz II Men, Boy Zone, O-Town, etc...


If you can sing, dance and bite your bottom lip in a suggestive manner and swivel your hips while staring at a big hairy child molester looking guy behind the camera .... I'M YOURS!

I can do the 5 basic boy band dance moves in my sleep.
I know all the words to every song that makes your panties drop.
I am, that loser.


Be still my heart.
I grew up on NKOTB (thats New Kids On The Block for those of you who were born in the 90's and have no clue what good music is). I had the honor of seeing them in concert March 2009.
Best. Night. Ever. It was truely a "magic night"
(if you caught the reference, buy yourself a cookie!)

Joey fucking McIntyre *swoon*
I lived for him.
I used to pretend he was watching me sleep at night. I always made sure my hair was pretty, I had on cute pj's and I made sure I didnt sleep with my mouth open and drool falling out.
Ok, I'll stop there before I embarass myself any more than I already have.
*blush*

I had the dolls. The street clothes and concert clothed dolls (yes 2 sets)
The stage for their concerts.
Sheets, socks, shoe strings, buttons, shirts, etc...
I think my mom paid for at least one of their kids to go to college honestly.

NSync .... Ooooooh I could listen to them for hours!
It took me forever to get over the whole BSB vs NSync thing.
At first I was totally an NSync hater. I was drinkin that haterade and would flip the chanel when they came on.
Freakin posers! How dare they try to copy BSB and steal their thunder! UGH!

AS IF! Eventually I grew up and got over it. I can love all boy bands equally.

Joey Fatone .... I love you. Call me.


BSB (Backstreet Boys .... and I mean 1999-2003 BSB when all 5 were in the band and fucking awesome, none of this 1 is missing and they suck ass bullshit)
I owned every CD. I think I still do. I know all their songs.
I used to sit by the tv and watch TRL waiting for their new videos. I totally jam out to their greatest hits cd on every road trip. ('I Want It That Way' is the SHIT!)

Nick Carter *swoon*

LOVED him.
Until that is ..... Bobbi Jean Carter entered my life.
YES, the sister of Nick Carter.

Some of you may have seen her on that crappy 1 season reality show he and his siblings had on E a few years ago. House of Carters ... google that shit if you don't know what I'm talking about.

This bitch. This Bobbi Jean.

Just UGHHHH, with a side of ughhhhhhhhhhh.

I went to high school with her for 1/2 of a school year.
She moved to our area, I believe it was the middle of my sophomore or junior year (I honestly can't remember).
She was soooo fucking snobby and rude to everyone who didn't kiss her ass.
I wont go into too much detail about my encounters with her but I will say ..... she totally ruined my future plans of being Mrs Nick Carter. There was no way in hell I could be her sister-in-law!

Dreams crushed, once again.

Thanks a lot skankzilla!

Oh the hilarity

I live in a nice neighborhood.
How we moved in here, I'll never know.
Expensive homes, snotty people who make way more than we do, and teenagers driving Lexus SUV's (no joke, our babysitter has her very own).

We got a really good deal on a house here, apparently, otherwise we would not be here.
I don't feel we fit in at all even though we drive pretty nice new cars and have a well taken care of home .... we are not among the rich folks here. I do my shoppin at Walmart while they hit Macy's. Got it? Ok, point made.

We had snow this past weekend! Yay! (coming from living in FL for 14yrs, I'm loving this!)


Ok, so in true winter tradition, people in my neighborhood starting building snowmen.
I have no clue who these people are but someone in our hood built one in their front yard with their daughter.
This person then decided to adorn said snowman with a hat that they bought from Russia. A hat, apparently, that they loved and had sentimental value.
This person then left said hat on the snowman overnight.

**now to understand why this is hilarious I MUST put this in here.
Recently we've had a rash of "vandalism" (this is how it has been worded in the countless emails going around in our HOA). Cars being parked on the street and left unlocked are getting broken into (whoda thunk it?!), someone found footprints under their daughters window where she heard knocking, etc... You get the point. A nice uppity neighborhood having anything like this happen is a travesty and we are turning in to the ghetto! Oh no! **

This person then woke up and found their snowman was "vandalized". Arms ripped off, face punched in and *GASP* the hat was missing!
Emails went out.
The person said they had surveillance on their home, they have not reviewed the tape. But if the hat was returned to their mailbox by Friday they'd let it go. If not, police would be involved and the tape would be reviewed. *rolles eyes*
Oh and they also said their daughter would be devastated so they "rebuilt the snowman before she got home from school, so she would not be upset".

For realz?


Anyway.


This morning another email went out from someone in our neighborhood.
EVERYONE is freaking the hell out.
Who is this person?
There is nobody in our neighborhood named "Bo" and the email is not registered with the HOA.


OH THE HORROR!!!!

This person, this, Bo. He is my new best friend.




His email says:

Thanks for the warning about the snowman incident. I certainly will have a talk with my kids about what appear to be the multiple issues in this case:
1. I will make sure they understand to never touch any one else or his/her property.
2. I will make sure they understand how foolish it is to put anything of sentimental and/or fiscal value on a snowman, especially one built in the front yard.
3. I will let them know that if a snowman is in the backyard it is much less likely to be vandalized... especially in a neighborhood in which acts of petty theft are a regular occurrence (e.g., regularly emailed reports of unlocked cars being burglarized).
4. I will let them know as we are building a snowman that it is an extremely temporary thing and that they should not become attached to it for if it is not demolished by us or someone else, it will soon melt anyway.

I may have missed something, but those are the most obvious issues that jumped out at first glance.

Thanks,Bo

I of course, replied to Bo telling him how much appreciated that laugh and how much I agree.
Call me an asshole. But I think its pretty damn funny. And true.





**I do NOT condone violence against snowmen! Or theft.
I just think people need more common sense.