Yeah thats me.
P-a-r-a-n-o-i-d FREAK!
I worry about the dumbest stuff....truely.
Is someone just waiting outside to break into my house?
Are my tires going to go flat while I'm driving?
Is a tornado going to come in the middle of the night?
Am I going to lose my keys and not be able to replace my Hello Kitty key topper?
My son is going to fall out of the tree in the front yard and break a bone and I'll puke when I see it.
How many people on my Facebook friends list have me on ignore?
Ugh, worry worry worry.
I need to stop.
It's not good for the baby.
Oh wait.
I have EUS ... (empty uterus syndrom aka not pregnant)
Well then, it's not good for the already forming lines on my face.... blah.
Whatever.
Worrying is for losers.
I am the king of losers.
Bow down bitches.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
The Clinton Chronicals pt 2
So yesterday was Memorial Day.
Thank you veterans! (including my husband Clinton, even though all he did was visit awesome ports and drink beer and play xbox...Go Navy!)
We BBQ'd some brats and steak.
(that's bratwurst, not my bratty kids)
I went to the Wally World to get some last min stuff to eat with dinner.
Peppers, mushrooms, a giant jalapeno for Clinton and some Amish potato salad.
Have you ever had it?
It's devine!
Those Amish sure know their way around a kitchen!
So as we set down to eat, Clinton starts talking (and those who know him, knows nothing really good comes from that).
Clinton: Is that Amish potato salad?
Me: Yes
Clinton: Did you get some Amish egg salad?
Me: *gives him the "you're stupid" look* No.
I don't even think they make that, I've never heard of it.
Clinton: They probably do.
Me: Probably, but I've never seen it.
Clinton: You should email them.
Me: Who? The Amish?
Clinton: Yeah.
Me: *face palm*
Thank you veterans! (including my husband Clinton, even though all he did was visit awesome ports and drink beer and play xbox...Go Navy!)
We BBQ'd some brats and steak.
(that's bratwurst, not my bratty kids)
I went to the Wally World to get some last min stuff to eat with dinner.
Peppers, mushrooms, a giant jalapeno for Clinton and some Amish potato salad.
Have you ever had it?
It's devine!
Those Amish sure know their way around a kitchen!
So as we set down to eat, Clinton starts talking (and those who know him, knows nothing really good comes from that).
Clinton: Is that Amish potato salad?
Me: Yes
Clinton: Did you get some Amish egg salad?
Me: *gives him the "you're stupid" look* No.
I don't even think they make that, I've never heard of it.
Clinton: They probably do.
Me: Probably, but I've never seen it.
Clinton: You should email them.
Me: Who? The Amish?
Clinton: Yeah.
Me: *face palm*
Fabulous times are a comin my friends
Terrible two's!
Yay.
Awesome.
NOT!
So now is the time C has decided to be a royal pain in my ass and start warming up for the terrible two's.
She is 21 months old and its been going on for about a month. I just now pulled myself out of the realm of denial and admited the inevitable.
D started the TT at 11 months old.
I kid you not.
He was a holy terror until he hit 18mths.
After that .... he was heavenly. Very good 2yr old, even better 3yr old and then a hormonal 15yr old trapped in a 4yr olds body. And has been that way ever since.
Yipee.
A was fabulous.
She was a good baby, great 1yr old and fabulous 2yr old.
3 has been kinda iffy, her mood swings rival that of a woman going through menopause.
I'm crossing my fingers that 4 is a good year.
C ..... oh my sweet little C.
You are the sweetests, most quiet baby. You eat nearly anything I put in front of you.
You like to cuddle (HUGE plus with momma!)
You are tiny and beautiful and melt my heart when you say "momma"
But this little demon child you're morphing into .... NOT diggin it.
Cut it out.
Just stop now.
Screaming at me. Trying to smack me. Telling me "no" 500 times a day. Telling me that everything is "mine" . Kicking and crying at diaper change time.
GOOD TIMES!
If this keeps up, I will be selling you on Ebay or Craigslist.
Whichever one has the most lienient human trafficking laws.
In the meantime, I need to start Googling how to get ahold of some holy water.
You will find me huddled in a corner shaking an empty bottle one day yelling "the power of Christ compels you" while Chloe is standing over me trying to smack me yelling "mine" and trying to snatch the bottle.
Yay.
Awesome.
NOT!
So now is the time C has decided to be a royal pain in my ass and start warming up for the terrible two's.
She is 21 months old and its been going on for about a month. I just now pulled myself out of the realm of denial and admited the inevitable.
D started the TT at 11 months old.
I kid you not.
He was a holy terror until he hit 18mths.
After that .... he was heavenly. Very good 2yr old, even better 3yr old and then a hormonal 15yr old trapped in a 4yr olds body. And has been that way ever since.
Yipee.
A was fabulous.
She was a good baby, great 1yr old and fabulous 2yr old.
3 has been kinda iffy, her mood swings rival that of a woman going through menopause.
I'm crossing my fingers that 4 is a good year.
C ..... oh my sweet little C.
You are the sweetests, most quiet baby. You eat nearly anything I put in front of you.
You like to cuddle (HUGE plus with momma!)
You are tiny and beautiful and melt my heart when you say "momma"
But this little demon child you're morphing into .... NOT diggin it.
Cut it out.
Just stop now.
Screaming at me. Trying to smack me. Telling me "no" 500 times a day. Telling me that everything is "mine" . Kicking and crying at diaper change time.
GOOD TIMES!
If this keeps up, I will be selling you on Ebay or Craigslist.
Whichever one has the most lienient human trafficking laws.
In the meantime, I need to start Googling how to get ahold of some holy water.
You will find me huddled in a corner shaking an empty bottle one day yelling "the power of Christ compels you" while Chloe is standing over me trying to smack me yelling "mine" and trying to snatch the bottle.
Monday, May 24, 2010
No computer! No bueno!
So yeah, all of my computers, decided to take a shit and die this year.
Laptop #1 ... mother board is fried...it died back in February and it wasn't even 2yrs old yet.
Laptop #2 ... I got pissed at my husband and threw it on the ground ... screen shattered. It wasn't pretty. Had it for exactly 1 year. Oopsee!!
Desktop ... just decided to stop working a few weeks ago. Not sure why. It can possibly be saved, just gotta take it to the Geek Squad and justify paying them $100+ an hour.
So we pulled our old old old school desktop out of the closet.
Blew the dust off and hoped for the best.
The sonofabitch actually works! We got it back in 2002 when our son was just 3 weeks old! It works!
It's slow as hell, worse than dial-up (google that if you are under the age of 20), but it works!
I can't play Facebook games on here, but I can browse my boards and Facebook/Twitter/Perez....you know, the important things in life.
It's like some cosmic bitch slap for all the times I was a dick online to other people I guess.
Well played karma, well played.
Laptop #1 ... mother board is fried...it died back in February and it wasn't even 2yrs old yet.
Laptop #2 ... I got pissed at my husband and threw it on the ground ... screen shattered. It wasn't pretty. Had it for exactly 1 year. Oopsee!!
Desktop ... just decided to stop working a few weeks ago. Not sure why. It can possibly be saved, just gotta take it to the Geek Squad and justify paying them $100+ an hour.
So we pulled our old old old school desktop out of the closet.
Blew the dust off and hoped for the best.
The sonofabitch actually works! We got it back in 2002 when our son was just 3 weeks old! It works!
It's slow as hell, worse than dial-up (google that if you are under the age of 20), but it works!
I can't play Facebook games on here, but I can browse my boards and Facebook/Twitter/Perez....you know, the important things in life.
It's like some cosmic bitch slap for all the times I was a dick online to other people I guess.
Well played karma, well played.
Friday, April 16, 2010
And the award goes to ........
Ever had a day where you felt like the worlds shittiest mom?
No?
Well then hit the back button because you're a liar.
We ALL have those days.
The kids are whining and you can't deal with it, so you yell at them
Or bribe them with candy to STFU & go to their room.
You let them watch a few more cartoons than normal just for the blissful quiet you get from it.
We're only human, that's how we roll.
Now .... ever had a day where your brain just completely slipped and you forgot you had kids?
No?
Just me?
Damn.
Ok, I'm putting this out there, because now, I can laugh about it (then cry because I'm not totally heartless).
My son .....
When he was just 3 weeks old I was giving him a bath in the sink.
Not "IN" the sink, but he had one of those weird mesh bathtub insert thingies.
So anyway ..... He is clean. Smelling like all kinds of wonderful that I want to bottle up and sniff every second of every day. CLEAN BABY!!! Who can't resist that?! Ahhh heaven.
Wait ... where was I?
Oh yeah, my shitty mom moment.
So I was all in the moment, I had a clean baby. The house was fairly clean. (keep in mind I had ... literally ... over 40 stitches in my cooter. Walking was painful, let alone cleaning and standing to bathe my child).
I lifted him up in joy and *BAM*. I hear a loud thud and then his mouth dropped open. His face turned red. He had this look of horror on his face. He had the "I'm going to cry but I can't force myself to breath to do it" look on his face.
I had hit his head on the cabinet above the sink.
It had scared and hurt him so much he stopped breathing.
I tried everything ... blowing in his face, patting his back, etc...
I finally turned him upside down and that got him going.
So yeah, shitty mom, nearly causes brain damage to newborn son.
I felt awful about it at the time, but now I can sit back and think "damn I was a MORON!"
I have 2 more incidents that involve both of my daughters, as recent as last year.
I'm not over these incidents yet. Let's just say it involves a near drowning and a baby being left in a car for about 20min.
BOTH kids are ok, no damage at all. But to this day it makes me cry and sad.
So what I'm getting at is ... we all have Shitty Mom Days.
It's ok, we're allowed.
When you feel bad about yourself just think about me nearly causing brain damage to my child and you'll feel better.
The Bad Mommy Award goes to ................. Alexis Franklin!!!!
*claps*
I'd like to thank my children and my lack of sleep. Without them, this would not be possible.
~~Aaaaand scene~~
No?
Well then hit the back button because you're a liar.
We ALL have those days.
The kids are whining and you can't deal with it, so you yell at them
Or bribe them with candy to STFU & go to their room.
You let them watch a few more cartoons than normal just for the blissful quiet you get from it.
We're only human, that's how we roll.
Now .... ever had a day where your brain just completely slipped and you forgot you had kids?
No?
Just me?
Damn.
Ok, I'm putting this out there, because now, I can laugh about it (then cry because I'm not totally heartless).
My son .....
When he was just 3 weeks old I was giving him a bath in the sink.
Not "IN" the sink, but he had one of those weird mesh bathtub insert thingies.
So anyway ..... He is clean. Smelling like all kinds of wonderful that I want to bottle up and sniff every second of every day. CLEAN BABY!!! Who can't resist that?! Ahhh heaven.
Wait ... where was I?
Oh yeah, my shitty mom moment.
So I was all in the moment, I had a clean baby. The house was fairly clean. (keep in mind I had ... literally ... over 40 stitches in my cooter. Walking was painful, let alone cleaning and standing to bathe my child).
I lifted him up in joy and *BAM*. I hear a loud thud and then his mouth dropped open. His face turned red. He had this look of horror on his face. He had the "I'm going to cry but I can't force myself to breath to do it" look on his face.
I had hit his head on the cabinet above the sink.
It had scared and hurt him so much he stopped breathing.
I tried everything ... blowing in his face, patting his back, etc...
I finally turned him upside down and that got him going.
So yeah, shitty mom, nearly causes brain damage to newborn son.
I felt awful about it at the time, but now I can sit back and think "damn I was a MORON!"
I have 2 more incidents that involve both of my daughters, as recent as last year.
I'm not over these incidents yet. Let's just say it involves a near drowning and a baby being left in a car for about 20min.
BOTH kids are ok, no damage at all. But to this day it makes me cry and sad.
So what I'm getting at is ... we all have Shitty Mom Days.
It's ok, we're allowed.
When you feel bad about yourself just think about me nearly causing brain damage to my child and you'll feel better.
The Bad Mommy Award goes to ................. Alexis Franklin!!!!
*claps*
I'd like to thank my children and my lack of sleep. Without them, this would not be possible.
~~Aaaaand scene~~
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Auntie Em, Aunti Em!
I have issues.
Most people who know me, know this.
Shut up Taressa!
I'm terrified, yet fascinated with tornado's.
Why?
I couldn't tell you, so don't freakin ask.
Tornado watches make my stomach do flip flops.
Tornado warnings (even in other cities nearby) make me want to puke blood.
But at the same time. I want to be that crazy mofo in my car taking pictures of them.
Crazy? Perhaps. Let's not judge.
I'm terrified of a tornado coming in the night.
Which is part of the reason you will never find me sleeping nekkid. Especially now that we live in freakin Oooooooklahoma.
It takes all I have in me not to sleep in shoes & a bra.
I mean seriously. If a twister hits at 3am and you're naked or half naked or wearing some God-awful Spice Girls shirt to bed you're screwed!
I have 3 kids and a dog. They take priority over me putting on decent clothes. I must get them to safety before we go flying to Oz.
If a twister hits, I don't want the only piece of clothing I have to wear for the next week to be a Spice Girls shirt, no bra & faded holy capri's from Family Dollar.
A lesson for you buff sleepers out there. Take this as a warning.
I don't want to see your boobies flapping about as you run around on the news yelling "It was pandalerium!" Put on a bra, wear some pj's and keep some slip on shoes handy and you can thank me. later.
Most people who know me, know this.
Shut up Taressa!
I'm terrified, yet fascinated with tornado's.
Why?
I couldn't tell you, so don't freakin ask.
Tornado watches make my stomach do flip flops.
Tornado warnings (even in other cities nearby) make me want to puke blood.
But at the same time. I want to be that crazy mofo in my car taking pictures of them.
Crazy? Perhaps. Let's not judge.
I'm terrified of a tornado coming in the night.
Which is part of the reason you will never find me sleeping nekkid. Especially now that we live in freakin Oooooooklahoma.
It takes all I have in me not to sleep in shoes & a bra.
I mean seriously. If a twister hits at 3am and you're naked or half naked or wearing some God-awful Spice Girls shirt to bed you're screwed!
I have 3 kids and a dog. They take priority over me putting on decent clothes. I must get them to safety before we go flying to Oz.
If a twister hits, I don't want the only piece of clothing I have to wear for the next week to be a Spice Girls shirt, no bra & faded holy capri's from Family Dollar.
A lesson for you buff sleepers out there. Take this as a warning.
I don't want to see your boobies flapping about as you run around on the news yelling "It was pandalerium!" Put on a bra, wear some pj's and keep some slip on shoes handy and you can thank me. later.
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