Ever had a day where you felt like the worlds shittiest mom?
No?
Well then hit the back button because you're a liar.
We ALL have those days.
The kids are whining and you can't deal with it, so you yell at them
Or bribe them with candy to STFU & go to their room.
You let them watch a few more cartoons than normal just for the blissful quiet you get from it.
We're only human, that's how we roll.
Now .... ever had a day where your brain just completely slipped and you forgot you had kids?
No?
Just me?
Damn.
Ok, I'm putting this out there, because now, I can laugh about it (then cry because I'm not totally heartless).
My son .....
When he was just 3 weeks old I was giving him a bath in the sink.
Not "IN" the sink, but he had one of those weird mesh bathtub insert thingies.
So anyway ..... He is clean. Smelling like all kinds of wonderful that I want to bottle up and sniff every second of every day. CLEAN BABY!!! Who can't resist that?! Ahhh heaven.
Wait ... where was I?
Oh yeah, my shitty mom moment.
So I was all in the moment, I had a clean baby. The house was fairly clean. (keep in mind I had ... literally ... over 40 stitches in my cooter. Walking was painful, let alone cleaning and standing to bathe my child).
I lifted him up in joy and *BAM*. I hear a loud thud and then his mouth dropped open. His face turned red. He had this look of horror on his face. He had the "I'm going to cry but I can't force myself to breath to do it" look on his face.
I had hit his head on the cabinet above the sink.
It had scared and hurt him so much he stopped breathing.
I tried everything ... blowing in his face, patting his back, etc...
I finally turned him upside down and that got him going.
So yeah, shitty mom, nearly causes brain damage to newborn son.
I felt awful about it at the time, but now I can sit back and think "damn I was a MORON!"
I have 2 more incidents that involve both of my daughters, as recent as last year.
I'm not over these incidents yet. Let's just say it involves a near drowning and a baby being left in a car for about 20min.
BOTH kids are ok, no damage at all. But to this day it makes me cry and sad.
So what I'm getting at is ... we all have Shitty Mom Days.
It's ok, we're allowed.
When you feel bad about yourself just think about me nearly causing brain damage to my child and you'll feel better.
The Bad Mommy Award goes to ................. Alexis Franklin!!!!
*claps*
I'd like to thank my children and my lack of sleep. Without them, this would not be possible.
~~Aaaaand scene~~
Friday, April 16, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Auntie Em, Aunti Em!
I have issues.
Most people who know me, know this.
Shut up Taressa!
I'm terrified, yet fascinated with tornado's.
Why?
I couldn't tell you, so don't freakin ask.
Tornado watches make my stomach do flip flops.
Tornado warnings (even in other cities nearby) make me want to puke blood.
But at the same time. I want to be that crazy mofo in my car taking pictures of them.
Crazy? Perhaps. Let's not judge.
I'm terrified of a tornado coming in the night.
Which is part of the reason you will never find me sleeping nekkid. Especially now that we live in freakin Oooooooklahoma.
It takes all I have in me not to sleep in shoes & a bra.
I mean seriously. If a twister hits at 3am and you're naked or half naked or wearing some God-awful Spice Girls shirt to bed you're screwed!
I have 3 kids and a dog. They take priority over me putting on decent clothes. I must get them to safety before we go flying to Oz.
If a twister hits, I don't want the only piece of clothing I have to wear for the next week to be a Spice Girls shirt, no bra & faded holy capri's from Family Dollar.
A lesson for you buff sleepers out there. Take this as a warning.
I don't want to see your boobies flapping about as you run around on the news yelling "It was pandalerium!" Put on a bra, wear some pj's and keep some slip on shoes handy and you can thank me. later.
Most people who know me, know this.
Shut up Taressa!
I'm terrified, yet fascinated with tornado's.
Why?
I couldn't tell you, so don't freakin ask.
Tornado watches make my stomach do flip flops.
Tornado warnings (even in other cities nearby) make me want to puke blood.
But at the same time. I want to be that crazy mofo in my car taking pictures of them.
Crazy? Perhaps. Let's not judge.
I'm terrified of a tornado coming in the night.
Which is part of the reason you will never find me sleeping nekkid. Especially now that we live in freakin Oooooooklahoma.
It takes all I have in me not to sleep in shoes & a bra.
I mean seriously. If a twister hits at 3am and you're naked or half naked or wearing some God-awful Spice Girls shirt to bed you're screwed!
I have 3 kids and a dog. They take priority over me putting on decent clothes. I must get them to safety before we go flying to Oz.
If a twister hits, I don't want the only piece of clothing I have to wear for the next week to be a Spice Girls shirt, no bra & faded holy capri's from Family Dollar.
A lesson for you buff sleepers out there. Take this as a warning.
I don't want to see your boobies flapping about as you run around on the news yelling "It was pandalerium!" Put on a bra, wear some pj's and keep some slip on shoes handy and you can thank me. later.
Friday, March 26, 2010
I stoled it
I stole this from a friends Facebook status.
I'm not a political person but there are some things that I don't agree with or feel passionatly about, so since I completely agree with this statement I'm reposting it.
So they just passed a health care plan written by a committee whose chairman says he didn't understand it, passed by a Congress that exempts themselves from it, signed by a president who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, all to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese.................and better yet it is to be financed by a country that's broke."
I'm not a political person but there are some things that I don't agree with or feel passionatly about, so since I completely agree with this statement I'm reposting it.
So they just passed a health care plan written by a committee whose chairman says he didn't understand it, passed by a Congress that exempts themselves from it, signed by a president who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, all to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese.................and better yet it is to be financed by a country that's broke."
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Can I get some support here?
Every now and then my friend Taressa and I get into a convo about saggy ball sacs and moobs (man boobs).
I don't know why, we just do.
It's been going on for a couple years now.
Tonight my mind began to wonder ..... is there such thing as saggy ball support? Like a nut sac bra?
If not, I'm patenting it. Right now. Don't get no ideas and try to steal my nut bra idea.
I just need a name.......
I don't know why, we just do.
It's been going on for a couple years now.
Tonight my mind began to wonder ..... is there such thing as saggy ball support? Like a nut sac bra?
If not, I'm patenting it. Right now. Don't get no ideas and try to steal my nut bra idea.
I just need a name.......
Monday, March 8, 2010
The Clinton Chronicals
My husband, Clinton, is probably the biggest nerd ever.
Which is why I love him. He can make me laugh over the stupidest stuff.
Case in point.
We were watching Whale Wars the other night.
I don't know why we watch this show. It makes me sad, and his goal of watching the show is to watch them fail.
He actually pisses me off sometimes when we watch this show.
Why I keep putting myself through this I'll never know.
I get it. Its funny they think a small ship can save whales from 3 giant Japanese whaling ships. They have succeeded a few times from what I can tell, but mostly, they fail.
The captain, Paul Watson.
He always has the same expression on his face, no matter what happens.
For the most part, he looks like he hates himself and he can't breath.
He's a hefty fellow so it makes sense on both parts.
So the other night we were watching.
I was laying with my feet on Clinton's lap and with my head under my uber cool pink Snuggie watching a whale get harpooned *tear*.
I was silently crying, because I'm not totally heartless.
Just then I think Clinton sensed my girly crying even though it was hidden by the blanket with sleeves.
Captain Paul turns to walk away and Clinton yells "He has to poop".
Me: What?
Clinton: Look at him, look how he's walking. He has to poop!
Me: *laughing* What the hell? Maybe he's just walking away!
Clinton: His butt cheeks are clenched and he's doing the I have to poop walk. He has to poop.
Me: *laughing with tears*
Clinton: Go ahead and Facebook that (a common phrase he says whenever he says something funny)
I can never look at Captain Paul the same again knowing he had to poop when a whale was dying on his watch.
Which is why I love him. He can make me laugh over the stupidest stuff.
Case in point.
We were watching Whale Wars the other night.
I don't know why we watch this show. It makes me sad, and his goal of watching the show is to watch them fail.
He actually pisses me off sometimes when we watch this show.
Why I keep putting myself through this I'll never know.
I get it. Its funny they think a small ship can save whales from 3 giant Japanese whaling ships. They have succeeded a few times from what I can tell, but mostly, they fail.
The captain, Paul Watson.
He always has the same expression on his face, no matter what happens.
For the most part, he looks like he hates himself and he can't breath.
He's a hefty fellow so it makes sense on both parts.
So the other night we were watching.
I was laying with my feet on Clinton's lap and with my head under my uber cool pink Snuggie watching a whale get harpooned *tear*.
I was silently crying, because I'm not totally heartless.
Just then I think Clinton sensed my girly crying even though it was hidden by the blanket with sleeves.
Captain Paul turns to walk away and Clinton yells "He has to poop".
Me: What?
Clinton: Look at him, look how he's walking. He has to poop!
Me: *laughing* What the hell? Maybe he's just walking away!
Clinton: His butt cheeks are clenched and he's doing the I have to poop walk. He has to poop.
Me: *laughing with tears*
Clinton: Go ahead and Facebook that (a common phrase he says whenever he says something funny)
I can never look at Captain Paul the same again knowing he had to poop when a whale was dying on his watch.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
On the sidewalk
Have you ever heard of Sidewalk Prophets?
They are, in 1 word .... amazing!
They are a Christian vocal group.
I recently started listening to that kind of music as we were moving to Oklahoma.
I came across a few songs on the radio that just hit me in the heart and I pretty much listen to only that now.
Sidewalk Prophets are pretty awesome.
Their music is not only inspirational, but catchy and something I would probably listen to if I wasn't a believer.
Anywho .... I adore this song.
It's called "The Words I Would Say". It's their debut single from their album These Simple Truths (follow the linkage to order).
So no funnies today .... simply a great song with a fantastical message.
It's also my new ringtone *giggles*
The Words I Would Say by Sidewalk Prophets (lyrics, followed by video)
Three in the morning,
And I'm still awake,
So I picked up a pen and a page,
And I started writing,
Just what I'd say,
If we were face to face,
I'd tell you just what you mean to me,
I'd tell you these simple truths,
Be strong in the LORD and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,
Last time we spoke,
You said you were hurting,
And I felt your pain in my heart,
I want to tell you,
That I keep on praying,
Love will find you where you are,
I know cause I've already been there,
So please hear these simple truths,
Be strong in the LORD and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,
From one simple life to another,
I will say,
Come find peace in the Father,
Be strong in the LORD and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way,
These are the words I would say
They are, in 1 word .... amazing!
They are a Christian vocal group.
I recently started listening to that kind of music as we were moving to Oklahoma.
I came across a few songs on the radio that just hit me in the heart and I pretty much listen to only that now.
Sidewalk Prophets are pretty awesome.
Their music is not only inspirational, but catchy and something I would probably listen to if I wasn't a believer.
Anywho .... I adore this song.
It's called "The Words I Would Say". It's their debut single from their album These Simple Truths (follow the linkage to order).
So no funnies today .... simply a great song with a fantastical message.
It's also my new ringtone *giggles*
The Words I Would Say by Sidewalk Prophets (lyrics, followed by video)
Three in the morning,
And I'm still awake,
So I picked up a pen and a page,
And I started writing,
Just what I'd say,
If we were face to face,
I'd tell you just what you mean to me,
I'd tell you these simple truths,
Be strong in the LORD and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,
Last time we spoke,
You said you were hurting,
And I felt your pain in my heart,
I want to tell you,
That I keep on praying,
Love will find you where you are,
I know cause I've already been there,
So please hear these simple truths,
Be strong in the LORD and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,
From one simple life to another,
I will say,
Come find peace in the Father,
Be strong in the LORD and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way,
These are the words I would say
Monday, February 22, 2010
She said what?! That whore!
Things that scare me (not in any particular order either):
-Spiders (ok well that is always #1 on my list at all times. scary little bastards.)
-Heights (but not roller coasters, weird)
-Lima Beans (there is nothing good about them)
-Needles (which blows because I love tattoos, B12 shots and I have to test my blood sugar 2x a day)
-Heidi Montag (post-plastic surgery .... seriously, W.T.F.?)
-The "dong dong" thingy on Law & Order (makes me jump, and I dislike moving unless I have to)
-Tornado's, which includes but is not limited to watches & warnings. Never seen an actual twister .... yet. And now that I've posted this, one is going to suck me up and kill me tomorrow. I have no one to blame but myself.
-Being shocked (yes, static electricity frightens the shit out of me. I hardly wear sweaters because of this nonsense)
-Fire (seriously....that shit is HOT)
-Fat (not fat people. me being fat (again). been there, done that, got the stretch marks & size 16 pants as a souvenir)
-Ghosts (you will never meet another person in your life who is completely fascinated with ghosts but will shit her pants and die if she ever sees one)
-Ex-Boyfriends (nuff said)
-Grates and sewer plates (I'm terrified of them caving in on me if I walk across them. Or a giant fucking mutant turtle or rat popping out offering me pizza. I'd take the pizza, don't get me wrong, but I'd run like hell afterwards)
-The ETrade baby (that's just fucking scary! not cute. not funny.)
-Rachael Ray (with that big Joker lookin smile on her face 24/7 ... bitch is scary)
-Bruce Jenners Face (seriously?? how do you go from this to that?)
Things that gross me out (once again, no particular order)
-Hairy chests (on men or women, its just nasty. I immediately think of Tom Cruises character in Tropic Thunder and OMFG that was just wrong on so many levels)
-Mini skirts (I don't care how hot your body is, it grosses me out that only 1 inch of fabric and you standing upright keeps me from seeing your beef curtains flapping in the wind)
-Oily skin (omg I almost puked typing that ... you know they make oil absorbing sheets for that shit right? there is no valid excuse to walk around like you just dipped your face in a vat of fries at McDonald's.)
-Scott Disick (nuff said ... barf)
-Love Bugs ( if you're from FL you know what I'm talking about. Those fucking little black bugs that fly around attached at the ass while sexin' in mid-flight. They land on you and have sex! ZOMFG bugs are having sex on my arm!) *barf*
-Urinal Cakes (just the name makes me want to vomit)
-Paper Cuts (omg just the thought makes me want to cringe)
-Spaghetti O's (they smell like vomit...whats up with that?)
Things that piss me off ... aka "pet peeves" (you know the drill)
-People who don't use turn signals to a) turn or b) change lanes (its there for a reason douche bag!)
-Pregnant women who smoke (seriously bitch? seriously?!)
-Idiots who get their own reality shows on E! (i can't even comment on this stupidity)
-Chain letters (if I don't forward it to 10 people in 2 minutes I think I'll take my chances at getting raped by a ghost at midnight, thank you)
-Hoochie Mama's (oh that's right, I'm bringing it back! HOOOOOOCHIEEEEEES!)
-Teenage girls (I want to kick you all in the fucking throat. you walk around the mall wearing clothes even a hooker would be embarrassed to be seen in and talk shit about the random people you see. you think the world owes you everything and your main goal in life is for a guy to think your hot. well guess what chica? he only thinks your hot when you go down on him and when your done he's on to the next one. save your knee's and jaw some wear and tear and put on some clothes please!)
-Parents of said teenage girls (you really let your kid go out in public looking like that? and then want to get pissed when the 40yr old greasy man who works in the food court ogles at her with a hard on?)
-Old women who don't wear bras (perhaps this should go under the "things that gross me out" category?)
-Walmart Rednecks (if you went to high school with me, you know what I'm talking about. I can't go any further into this without giggling hysterically and then becoming angry)
-Bullies (if you were over 18 I'd kick your ass you little shits! 7yr olds who think its funny to belittle other kids and make fun of them is not cool in my book. i want to bitch slap your parents)
-People who wear leggings (and I say "people" because I've seen men wear them. Yes I said men. Its just wrong on so many levels and I want to kick you when I see you wearing them. They are not attractive on ANYONE)
-Abercrombie & Fitch (fuuuuuuck this store and everything it represents. i wouldn't wear a free piece of clothing from that place even if I was paid to! evil, disgusting & rude employee's and extremely ugly overpriced clothes on top of it. and it always smells like someone broke 5 bottles of expired cologne when i walk past the entrance in the mall. whats up with that?!)
-Parents who get all pissy when your kid touches their kid stuff but its ok for their kid(s) to have free reign on your kids stuff. (nuff said)
-Competitive moms (OMG who gives a flying fuck if your kid walked 2 days before mine did? your poor kid is still ugly and picks his nose!)
Things that make me laugh (yep)
-Fart & poop jokes (yep, I have the sense of humor of a 8yr old boy)
-LOL Cats (seriously .... http://www.icanhascheezburger.com/)
-Chelsey Handler (I want her to adopt me)
-Step Brothers, Anchorman, Old School & Elf (I heart Will Ferrel)
-My husband when he finds a song he likes (he will repeat the dumbest parts of the song, over and over for weeks. The latest one ... "I got her, grocery bag". KILL.ME.NOW.)
-My friend Taressa (she and I share a warped sense of humor and I know for sure we are sharing a rock in hell together)
-Men in their 40's who act like they are in their 20's (there is a dad at my church, who's either 40 or knocking on the door, he wears a motorcycle jacket, leather boots, tight jeans and a mohawk .... I kid you not, you can't make this shit up. He looks ridonkulous!)
-Dane Cook (the man stole my heart when someone shit on the coats)
-Spiders (ok well that is always #1 on my list at all times. scary little bastards.)
-Heights (but not roller coasters, weird)
-Lima Beans (there is nothing good about them)
-Needles (which blows because I love tattoos, B12 shots and I have to test my blood sugar 2x a day)
-Heidi Montag (post-plastic surgery .... seriously, W.T.F.?)
-The "dong dong" thingy on Law & Order (makes me jump, and I dislike moving unless I have to)
-Tornado's, which includes but is not limited to watches & warnings. Never seen an actual twister .... yet. And now that I've posted this, one is going to suck me up and kill me tomorrow. I have no one to blame but myself.
-Being shocked (yes, static electricity frightens the shit out of me. I hardly wear sweaters because of this nonsense)
-Fire (seriously....that shit is HOT)
-Fat (not fat people. me being fat (again). been there, done that, got the stretch marks & size 16 pants as a souvenir)
-Ghosts (you will never meet another person in your life who is completely fascinated with ghosts but will shit her pants and die if she ever sees one)
-Ex-Boyfriends (nuff said)
-Grates and sewer plates (I'm terrified of them caving in on me if I walk across them. Or a giant fucking mutant turtle or rat popping out offering me pizza. I'd take the pizza, don't get me wrong, but I'd run like hell afterwards)
-The ETrade baby (that's just fucking scary! not cute. not funny.)
-Rachael Ray (with that big Joker lookin smile on her face 24/7 ... bitch is scary)
-Bruce Jenners Face (seriously?? how do you go from this to that?)
Things that gross me out (once again, no particular order)
-Hairy chests (on men or women, its just nasty. I immediately think of Tom Cruises character in Tropic Thunder and OMFG that was just wrong on so many levels)
-Mini skirts (I don't care how hot your body is, it grosses me out that only 1 inch of fabric and you standing upright keeps me from seeing your beef curtains flapping in the wind)
-Oily skin (omg I almost puked typing that ... you know they make oil absorbing sheets for that shit right? there is no valid excuse to walk around like you just dipped your face in a vat of fries at McDonald's.)
-Scott Disick (nuff said ... barf)
-Love Bugs ( if you're from FL you know what I'm talking about. Those fucking little black bugs that fly around attached at the ass while sexin' in mid-flight. They land on you and have sex! ZOMFG bugs are having sex on my arm!) *barf*
-Urinal Cakes (just the name makes me want to vomit)
-Paper Cuts (omg just the thought makes me want to cringe)
-Spaghetti O's (they smell like vomit...whats up with that?)
Things that piss me off ... aka "pet peeves" (you know the drill)
-People who don't use turn signals to a) turn or b) change lanes (its there for a reason douche bag!)
-Pregnant women who smoke (seriously bitch? seriously?!)
-Idiots who get their own reality shows on E! (i can't even comment on this stupidity)
-Chain letters (if I don't forward it to 10 people in 2 minutes I think I'll take my chances at getting raped by a ghost at midnight, thank you)
-Hoochie Mama's (oh that's right, I'm bringing it back! HOOOOOOCHIEEEEEES!)
-Teenage girls (I want to kick you all in the fucking throat. you walk around the mall wearing clothes even a hooker would be embarrassed to be seen in and talk shit about the random people you see. you think the world owes you everything and your main goal in life is for a guy to think your hot. well guess what chica? he only thinks your hot when you go down on him and when your done he's on to the next one. save your knee's and jaw some wear and tear and put on some clothes please!)
-Parents of said teenage girls (you really let your kid go out in public looking like that? and then want to get pissed when the 40yr old greasy man who works in the food court ogles at her with a hard on?)
-Old women who don't wear bras (perhaps this should go under the "things that gross me out" category?)
-Walmart Rednecks (if you went to high school with me, you know what I'm talking about. I can't go any further into this without giggling hysterically and then becoming angry)
-Bullies (if you were over 18 I'd kick your ass you little shits! 7yr olds who think its funny to belittle other kids and make fun of them is not cool in my book. i want to bitch slap your parents)
-People who wear leggings (and I say "people" because I've seen men wear them. Yes I said men. Its just wrong on so many levels and I want to kick you when I see you wearing them. They are not attractive on ANYONE)
-Abercrombie & Fitch (fuuuuuuck this store and everything it represents. i wouldn't wear a free piece of clothing from that place even if I was paid to! evil, disgusting & rude employee's and extremely ugly overpriced clothes on top of it. and it always smells like someone broke 5 bottles of expired cologne when i walk past the entrance in the mall. whats up with that?!)
-Parents who get all pissy when your kid touches their kid stuff but its ok for their kid(s) to have free reign on your kids stuff. (nuff said)
-Competitive moms (OMG who gives a flying fuck if your kid walked 2 days before mine did? your poor kid is still ugly and picks his nose!)
Things that make me laugh (yep)
-Fart & poop jokes (yep, I have the sense of humor of a 8yr old boy)
-LOL Cats (seriously .... http://www.icanhascheezburger.com/)
-Chelsey Handler (I want her to adopt me)
-Step Brothers, Anchorman, Old School & Elf (I heart Will Ferrel)
-My husband when he finds a song he likes (he will repeat the dumbest parts of the song, over and over for weeks. The latest one ... "I got her, grocery bag". KILL.ME.NOW.)
-My friend Taressa (she and I share a warped sense of humor and I know for sure we are sharing a rock in hell together)
-Men in their 40's who act like they are in their 20's (there is a dad at my church, who's either 40 or knocking on the door, he wears a motorcycle jacket, leather boots, tight jeans and a mohawk .... I kid you not, you can't make this shit up. He looks ridonkulous!)
-Dane Cook (the man stole my heart when someone shit on the coats)
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